Insightful · Malone · Strikes · Again

So, I've had some issues at work with a security guard becoming violatingly friendly. I went to Cleftos on monday after having recieved an unwanted kiss on the lips from said security man and needless to say I was freaked out and quite depressed about feeling like I was violated. Some of the girls noticed my preoccupation so i explained what happened and they were all so fucking supportive. They wanted to give their advice on how to handle and that I shouldn't put up with that. Wow they actually cared. Holy shit I guess I didn't realize how close we had gotten, I mean it makes sense because of all the time we spend together. I think I'm starting to love them all and love being a part of them. So, one girl in particular (who was quick to wrap a caring arm around me in my somber state on monday) sent me a message on facebook saying she was sorry she didn't get to catch me after practice and make sure I was ok. She explained how I need to stand up for myself and that she will be thinking about me and to know that she cares. Holy balls... (in the words of tookums) that made me feel incredible. If only she could understand how much her support means to me. she is amazing. such a warm personality. and she actually cares about me. man... I couldn't be more fortunate than to be in such a group.
next on the agenda, I talked to my sister for an hour and a half tonight. I miss her terribly. She's always connected with me on an intensely deep level. I just talked about life and how I'm doing. so how am I doing? well I feel like I've learned more about myself in the past two months than in the past 19 years. I'm independant. I can survive on my own. I'm finally starting to like who I am... just a little. but more of that will come with time. It has been a rough process the past two months though. I think most of my time has been spent feeling anxious, depressed, sad, nervous, terrified, undesirable, lonely, and uncertain. But I've let it all permeate through me and have allowed the waves of pain and hurt wash over my soul. It has been difficult but the pain and hurt and fear has brought me back to myself. I am my own reliance. There is no one else. at first I was upset about being a loner and about not going out and partying every night. not taking in the full college experience. but I've learned that i'm ok with being alone. I'm ok with not attracting others. I'm ok with not having a significant other. I'm ok with not partying. I'm ok with solitude and self-analysis. I'm learning about me. I can draw. my music is thriving. my writing... has potential. my ability to enjoy tough literature allows my horizons to broaden. my physical stamina is at its peak. I am a complete person when I stand alone and that is something I have never been able to say. I love my family and I realize that if I never love any others outside of my bloodline then I can be ok with that. I have realized most of all that I have let others dictate my emotions for too long. I'm tired. They are not worth it. I'm not saying I have no friends and I'm not saying I don't care about those who I spend time with. but no more will they impact my happiness. too many times have I let people walk all over because I felt as though I was nothing without them. I am everything I can be, without them. I feel relieved to finally understand that.
relationships... ok so I can't lie and say I have no sex drive. In fact, until recently it hadn't bothered me. but now my pent up sexual tension is becoming quite evident. I desire some affection. This makes me long for Joshua. I want him to hold me. I want him to rub my back and my hands and my feet. I want him to scratch my back and play with my hair. I miss these physical encounters. But I don't want to be his companion. He cannot satisfy me sexually. I want to be ravaged. I want some intense and amazing sex. but I want that person to have no piece of my heart. I am too close to appreciating myself to give any of me away. I'm being really shitty about saying this, but no one treats me well enough right now or appreciates me enough for me to give them any of me. No, I will be used no more. If someone truly wants me then I'll be damned if I don't make them work to prove they will treat me the way I feel that I should be treated. sounds selfish? of course. but i've had too much history of chasing and submitting and being a constant for others... no more putting them on pedestals. I am worth more than that. I just never realized it. so I guess I'll have to either hope for a stellar random josephine to pleasure me:) eww... yet necessary. until then I wonder what is going on when the one I adore puts me in conversations I don't want to be in. jealousy... hello I am jealous malone here. thus, when they discuss with me other objects of their affection and their new found attractions to others and desires to experiment and whatnot with so many others I feel like I might burst with disappointment. so, what do I do? well after much deliberation I realize I am in no position to have any say in who they lust after. but I do know what I need and hearing about that is not it. so i will have to let them do their thing, but I refuse to be strung along. I feel so... insignificant and unworthy in such situations and I don't think that I've conducted myself in such a way to deserve those feelings. perhaps it's silly of me to hang on to my hope, but I still feel as though I am very deserving of being cherished. I have thrown myself out there several times and have humiliatingly been rejected... led on and then rejected. I don't feel so inclined to continue this routine and my last efforts have been strong and with good intentions and never maliciously trying to trick or seduce anyone into rushing anything. It is because I truly care for this person's happiness and I tried to provide them with happiness. but I cannot forget about myself and I was beginning to. nope... thanks anyway but someday someone will pursue me and care about me enough to make me feel cared for and worth their time and truly adore the very aura of my presence. if I never find them then I would rather live the rest of my life alone and content with myself then to continue belittling myself for others and never getting the returned affection and kindness I deserve.
by the way, whatever it takes I am studying in Florence next fall. I hope I fall in love with Italy. I hope my friend does buy his farm estate in Italy. I will move in with him and together we will write the days away. I will lose myself in my heritage land. I don't seem to fare well in the American culture, I am very awkward here. I think I have a better shot at blending in elsewhere and if it could be Italy then there is a god somewhere who loves me. perhaps I could move in with mi famiglia in the old country:) plus, if fate has it that I'm destined to be alone then I'd much rather be alone there than here.
that is all