Insightful · Malone · Strikes · Again

You're the only one who reads this so it's all for you my dear. This is surreal for me. But I won't complain. I've loved you for so long. In fact, I can't remember what it's like not to think about you in all my daily activities. I want to make you proud. I want to be strong for you. I want you to be strong for me. I guess we've fucked around with this situation for so long, trying to mold it and make it fit into some norm of society and it feels as though we finally hit the point where we can say fuck it. I love you, you love me. That's all that matters. No one else has to get it. We don't even have to completely understand. Just love. That's all. It won't fade or become futile with jealousy. Ours is indescribable and unable to be duplicated. You are my center. There is no better feeling than realizing that we have our own world, just the twi of us. Amidst our independant lives, when we are together our world transcends all fears and drama and leaves us in a bubble of completeness. I'm really not sure what to do to prepare for this summer. Come what may, my ears became the passageway to the euphoria I've hoped for; to hear you say you love me. The phrase is stored in my soul between the memories of childhood innocence and the hope for a better future. And when life throws trials my way, your words will permeate my thoughts and I'll seek comfort in them. I have been a success in life. Achieving your love and friendship and affection is a greater honor and accomplishment than I could have dreamed of obtaining.
I took a moment from my day
Wrapped it up in things you say
Mailed it off to your address
You'll get it pretty soon unless
The packaging begins to break
And all the points I tried to make
Are tossed with thoughts into a bin
Time leaks out my life leaks in
You won't find moments in a box
And someone else will set your clocks
I took a moment from my day
Wrapped it up in things you say
And mailed it off to you
I've been waiting in the velvet sea
-Phish "Velvet Sea"

I'd try to save you when you're sinking in life's quicksand
Reach out for me I'll grab your hand
Though trust it seems so unfamiliar to me
You'd be my comfort on the sea
Can't tell you that we will be okay
But it's nice to know that we're both fighting through the same day
-a little ditty of my own

I think that it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned...
true it may seem like a stretch but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death...
They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now"
But we'll stay...
-Iron and Wine "Such Great Heights"

This one is written especially for you so that when you get to SC and settle in and decide to check your facebook, livejournal, and other staple sites you'll have something new to read. so it's 6am and I can't sleep. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I know we'll call... but your face is key to my comfort in life. "You can call me a fool... but I only wanna be with you"
in the words of Pearl Jam: "I miss you already, I miss you always, I miss you already, I miss you all day... this is how I feel"
So, here's another one I'd like to throw out to you. Phish-Velvet Sea(I recommend you find it and listen to it... it's gorgeous): I took a moment from my day, wrapped it up in things to say, mailed it off to your address, you'll get it pretty soon unless, the packaging begins to break, and all the points I tried to make, are tossed with thoughts into a bin, time leaks out my life leaks in. You won't find moments in a box, and someone else will set your clocks, I took a moment from my day, wrapped it up in things to say, and mailed it off to you...
Ok I'm done rambling. I must make myself sleep now. I love you. I miss you. Take care.

so why is it that random people can make me feel so amazingly cared for and loved and the ones who should give me such care fail miserably? more on this later I do believe. But in any case, last night was amazing. An interesting date then hanging in Hayden with my favorite Noah Garcia-Hassal. He is pretty incredible, I want to marry him so that he will be with me always but then both of us can go date whomever we feel so inclined and when things fall through or we're hurt or excited we have each other to turn to... euphoric. Plus, Hayden fucking rocks my world. I LOVE the people there. Emma K... so wonderful. So easy to be around. I do believe I've found a kindred spirit in the words of Anne Shirley. enough of this, I have to go.

Our first choir concert together. We sing Miss You by Finch. You on your guitar, me harmonizing with your angelic voice. music is our savior. Things get hard. Your mom is pissed. You beg me for an answer. No longer are you her precious little boy. She forbids you to see me and you are torn. You move in with your dad sacrificing your car, clothes, room, financial security. Your dad loves me. your step-mom is your worste nightmare. You give up a life of comfort and style for me. You have to get a job, for me. You have to live uncomfortably, for me. And you did it all with a smile on your face and me in your arms. Six months and you have a special plan. blind-folded, you drive me in a maze of a path (my keen sense of direction allowed me to know exactly where we were) to a friends apartment. he's gone for the night. we go in. candles, music, your pasta surprise that you were so proud of, a bottle of wine (the cheap stuff but elegant all the same), and italian bread. we feast. we do the dishes together, maybe one day this could be our life, our apartment, our dish towel. we make love a record amount of times. You can barely stand so we lie on the couch and watch the travel channel into the wee hours of the morning, dreaming of all the places we will one day go, together. We explore life together. Cave city in Tennessee. They turn off the lights in one of the caves and say to make a face at your neighbor, I flip you off and the lights flash on... fuck. I was busted. We drive around away from the hotel and your dad and step-mom. on our own. we don't fool around as planned because we were content to just be, and I had a headache. we go to a carnival and I play the BB gun game. I hit every part of the paper except for the red star.... you had perfect aim. to a haunted house we go. I was terrified and you led the way. You ran into a mirror and I hadn't laughed so hard in my life. You kept reminding me how funny it was in the times where I was most afraid. I pushed you into the hidden man waiting for us around the last corner, to save myself. we dine on KFC; my popcorn chicken, your crispy chicken sandwich and fries. we have the room to ourselves... no pressure from you. we don our matching cat in the hat PJ pants. I bought you yours... you hated them. I thought they made you look adorable. you wore them so often they became thin and faded. we wrested and had tickling wars until I scraped the volleyball war wound that had just scabbed over. profanity flew... you stifled your chuckles and consoled me. I felt so safe. things are complicated. we both are so possesive. we've given so much of ourselves to the other that we cling on so dearly. the world hates us together. we decide to defy them all. with clasped hands we push through our days in those dangerous, cruel, and skeptical halls until we can escape to the haven of my rec room and lose ourselves in movies, music, the history channel and endless conversations each one taking us deeper into the very essence of the other and entwining our spirits in an unbreakable bond. I dream of you when you're gone. every lyric relates to you, every melody is yours. my lack of trust has kept me hidden from the world, but you have all of me. the good the bad and the obscene. and the strangest part is, you love it all. you give up your privelages of leaving the school for lunch to stay with me and dine in shit together. I couldn't be more complete. sometimes I flirt to make you jealous. and you do the same. I love that we care enough to hate the thought of any physical contact outside of our two bodies. I need that, to be needed. even today as I sit and recap, I feel occasional urges to break my body with a razor and watch it bleed and feel it pulsate with pain... life. for I wonder how any normal living being can find themselves able to pack up and leave such a perfect soul mate. am I alive? am I normal? Always know that you are perfect. and with all of this documented, there is still a lifetime of you I have not gotten to, things that have made me who I am, things that are my life and always will be. you

where did we go? What happened to our life?
We begin. So fast, so new. A basketball game, just going through the motions of what high schoolers do. You were there to see her... you found me instead. Ahh... the boy with the red mustang, the object of my desire. No interest past your vehicle, I stole your keys and your smile was charming. A week, maybe two pass and I do not see you. Alas, a choir contest. I wore a skirt and hated it... you saw me and fell in love. You were awkward, macho, forward. You wanted to see me perform my solo, you missed it and made it up to me with a ride in your mustang. To your house we ventured. Your mothers' home. Little did I know what I had walked into.
You fell hard, I was intrigued. We spent our luches together. Lost in our own haven of conversation amongst our chicken sandwiches and milk cartons, I couldn't see the dingy walls when your clear hazel eyes held my gaze. You were a god. Those afternoon discussions based the world of music left my heart fluttering. Our souls were raw from the pains of previous loves. I was afraid of starting a new relationship and you were so gentle.
Our first date. You called to ask me to go out, I told you to hold on while I asked my mothers' permission and in my failure to cover the reciever all the way you heard me admit to forgetting your name when she asked who it was. You showed up at my door wearing that 70's jean jacket you were so proud of. Your mom disapproved of me for she wanted you to go back to your ex. They all wanted you to go back to your ex. But she let you out for the evening with hopes that a failed date with me would drive you abck to Katie's arms. The awkward introduction... neither of us knew how to "date." Jansen came to my house and hated you for getting there first. He felt an ownership of me that you were stripping away. He sat there all night on my computer... fuming at us on the couch. Where were we to go? There was a dance at school... should we go? What's that? You feel as awkward at school dances as I do?! You're amazing:) Play me a song bueatiful. You serenaded me for hours. Counting Crows, Incubus, Foo Fighters, Toad the Wet Sprocket. We sang, we created, we were harmonious. You sat with me all night. We talked of the silliest things. You admitted to me things you had never told anyone before. They seemed to ridiculous to share with others... but you found comfort in me. You were embarassed, nervous that I would find you strange and unappealing for being so transparent... you had no idea that you had swept me off my feet.
For weeks you drive me home after school (the entire block and a half)and we sit in my driveway for hours talking. Your mom is concerned. I can't believe you are still interested. You carry altoids at all times. You style your hair funny... but I think I like it. You wear too much Curve, but I can always tell when you're close that way. I begin to learn you. I study your movements, your style. You blush easily, you get awkward when the guys tell a dirty joke around me. Your hands are petite and rough from your guitar. You wear a leather arm band. You are gaining weight. One of your ex girlfrinds sits with us and flirts with you at out beloved lunches and we treat her like shit... together. She makes me feel fat... I stop eating the chicken sandwiches, salads are better.
Date #2. Your mother is furious... her plan failed. You pick my up in my favorite car... you had just cleaned it for me. There it is again, the jean jacket. I look back now at the pictures and you had the most innocent baby face... did you know I would age you? You take me to the local coffee shop Broaway Joe's, we called it Broadway Sluts and later Broadway Profanity(you were so quick to understand my fetish with inveting random titles), to see a touring musician playing the most strange form of guitar I'd ever seen. Panic! You forgot your wallet. You have free passes to the show... we sit there together and you pout because you can't buy me a drink. My ex walks in and gives me a hug, you are raging with jealousy and I am feeling torn. In the end I leave with you despite my parched state and your lack of ability to satisfy my thirst. But we made beautiful music and you were in a band and had a cool car... I was yours. You walked me to my front door, your head was low. I told you I had a wonderful time (my favorite part was sitting so close to you our legs were touching). You leaned in... our first kiss and I was terrified. I could never have guessed how familiar your lips would become. I abruptly said goodnight and went inside... you were sure I hated you.
The next week you officially asked me out while standing in my driveway, we were skipping another dance together:) I didn't sleep all night. I was happier than words could express.
We're on the bus together. dating a few weeks so far. headed to a choir event. I ask you if your waiting for marriage to have sex... you say you'll wait as long as you can. I tell you I'm ready any time. You blush.
I take you to my family's easter event. You eat all the sugar free cake because you thought it was so delicious. My diabetic uncle was upset... you feel aweful. We were bored, surrounded by backwoods hicks in that indiana town... I reach over and pick your nose to spice things up... you freak out and I fear that you'll break up with me for being so weird. We had no idea how comfortable we would be with each other.
Your mom tries to break us up. Your ex girlfriend and her mother stalk us and rumors give me a horrid reputation. But you love me. and I cannot give you up... I am yours. We comfort ourselves through music and though they fight to keep us apart our songs keep us together. The Luckiest-Ben Folds, I miss you-Finch, The entire Science album by Incubus.
I decide I want to make love to you, you are amazing.I plan it out. I pick the secluded woods and stash candles, a blanket, a stereo with a mix of our songs ready to go. I go to meet you and you decide to have a band practice instead. I hated you for that, and later when I told you about it you hated you for that.
We experiment. I surprise you and me with my oral skills. We establish the "shifty eye" signal. You made me feel so safe, so right. I loved pleasing you. Strip poker... I'd never been naked in front of anyone before. You thought I was beautiful. I thought I needed to learn how to play poker correctly. You were so adorable in your boxers and I wanted to be with you forever.
You helped my stepmom move into my dad's house. You lifted heavy things to impress me. We spent the whole day together and when you left I cried. I didn't want you to go.
You took me to the drive-in. Things got hot. We shared a first time. it was awkward, uncomfortable, sweaty. You were terrified that I wasn't ready... You were such a gentleman. I seduced you. we drove home and I told you I loved you... you quickly agreed. we held hands and I stared at you the whole way home.
Time morphs from here. We built a life together. A routine. You were me and I was you and neither of us would have it any other way. The story had just begun...

So, I ventured to 93rd street today to visit an exhibit at the Jewish Museum. The exhibit racked my world. We have to write a review on any exhibit of our choosing for writing I and I did my research and found this Masters of American Comics exhibit. It shows how during the latter half of the 19th century into the 20th century comics began evolving. They took on issues that WWII brought about getting in touch with how society was dealing with the world psychologically and emotionally. Some of them were so humbling like the one about a soldiers encounter with an enemy where he describes the inner struggle between knowing he had to defend himself but having the reality of how insane it was that he was about to plunge a knife into another being. Some of them were so hilarious like the many panaled autobiographical depiction of a cartoonist and how he is so awkward at introductions. He stumbles over finding something interesting to say and between mumbling thoughts he is captured in silent awkward shifty uncomfortableness. He mentions unclogging his toilet and then breaks into song trying to fill time until he eventually says that about wraps it up and thus the end. So hilarious and so completely familiar. Anyway, many hours of notes were taken there and I loved every minute of it. I felt so inspired. I used to dabble in comic creations but figured I would fail. After the encounter with the exhibit I question whether or not that would be a career I could be happy in. I do believe it might be. Sarcasm is the essence of life and if I could work on my lack of sketching abilities I feel as though I could finally put my random ideas to productive use.
I was also able to spend a chunk of the evening reading in Central Park. It was the first trip I've made there and I have to say it was glorious. So beautiful. So serene. I felt comfortable there.
So I spent the day alone today. I have spent a lot of time alone lately and it has been so depressing. Until today. I think I am making peace with the fact that I'm a loner. I'm really ok with that I think. I like to not be bothered. I like to revel in my thoughts. I feel anxious around people because most of my thoughts are a but undeveloped and never very profound when put into words... but in my head they solve the worlds problems. I like that... I like understanding such nonsense.
I heard Billy Joel's For the Longest Time just now and it reminds me of 7th grade. I had a best friend who was absolutely amazing. He cared more for me than I'd ever been cared for. We dated and I remember listening to this song with him and we would laugh and talk and revel in the safety and comfort of our duo. I miss that. I miss that innocent companionship. No complications. Life was wonderful with just the two of us. We didn't need anyone else. no one understood our antics no one understood either of us at all and that too was stellar. I miss his smile melting my heart. He called me only a few weeks ago... alas he was drunk and it wasn't the same. I do miss him.
In any case.... I'm going to be a cartoonist, I'm going to revel in my seclusion, and I'm going to hug my mom as soon as possible.
So, dear cyber confidant, I leave you with this reminder:
What should a man fear? It's all chance, chance rules our lives. Not a man on earth can see a day ahead, groping through the dark. Better to live at random, best we can....
so fuckin true

Innocence. Captured by the machine I hold.
In a world of steel, she dons roses.
Distracted from the gloom of the day,
The path of a catepillar holds her gaze.
Time is no burden, she is content with the present.
Never looking back, the future is hers to mold.

(about a picture of a little girl walking down a street)

Who is she? Is this me?
No, alas, this is my ancestry.
A reminder that where I came from
spawned from innocence.
What was she thinking?
Those thoughts remain hers forever.
Buried in the depths of the Earth.
Did she know I would see her like this?
No, heritage was not on her mind
That was busy analyzing marching ants.
Ancestor, you forgot to pass this innocence to me.
I want to see life through your eyes.
You will never know...

(of the same picture from the veiwpoint of her great-grandchild)

and alas, a song... or two... or three... and a half
close my eyes, and step away... it's time
my subtle exit, I now will take... and my
soul's cryin please there is a place that is meant for me... far away
and though I can't hide my fears, thus far my scars and my tears predict a better day... so I
pack the memories safe in my mind... don't fade away
and hope to god that my star will shine... I heard you say it
goes so fast what is your hurry?
I know you're strong, but it's fine if you need me... I need you
we'll soon be gone, now our time here is fleeting
so lose regrets cause they're only defeating
all your dreams
-----------------------------------------------------

hey you a stranger of only a day or so ago
why do you struggle so?
your words they found their way to my tattered soul
and filled this bleeding hole

I can't tell you that we will be okay
but it's nice to know that we're both fighting through the same day
I'd try to save you when you're sinking in life's quicksand
reach out for me I'll grab your hand
though trust it feels so unfamiliar to me
You'd be my comfort on the sea

I can't tell you that we will be okay
but it's nice to know that we're both fighting through the same day...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello reflection what do you see in me today?
I fear that I won't measure up this time
cause who I am is viewed by skeptics often changing
complications expectations will I make you proud?

Once upon a time I knew a girl
but she's been driftin for a while
traded in her clothes of dreams and youth
for a more accepted style
she's seen a lot of what the world can do
it makes her wonder if she's strong enough
but it seems that something better's coming
so her melody she shares with you

Here I am again at the mercy of my conscience
telling me I should be so much more than this
I want to paint a picture, capture the essence of the woman that I am
feeling unprepared to see the truth that's been chasing me

Once upon a time I knew a girl
But she's been driftin for a while
traded in her clothes of dreams and youth
for a more accepted style
she's seen a lot of what the world can do
it makes her wonder if she's strong enough
but it seems that something better's coming
so her melody she shares with you

exhale into the sunrise watch it melt my breath away
my intuition tells me life is not the same
this new beginning cues the closing of a chapter in my life
the time has come for moving mountains

Once upon a time I new a girl
but she's been driftin for a while
traded in her clothes of dreams and youth
for a more accepted style
she's seen a lot of what the world can do
it makes her wonder if she's strong enough
but she knows that something better's coming
so her melody she shares with you
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when the world around you leaves you cryin
wears you down
comfort strippes away
when you lose yourself in expectations from the world
till you just tremble
at the thought of another day

I've got me and I'm good enough for her
I believe that my love it can endure
Soon you'll see that I'm slippin through your hands
You never really knew me that just wasn't in your plans...
(to be continued)

So the truth I have been living my life so blindly lately. I don't know if I'm doing anything right I'm unsure if I've done anything wrong. I have no idea what to do what to think what to say... should I feel more secure than this? I think i should. I am holding out for a day when I can wake up and feel normal, like I have a purpose, I know what I'm doing here, I know that I am needed in this place by somebody, anybody. Oh my god... this is exhausting. When will I figure shit out. This life I'm living is too surreal. Nothing seems sovereign. I feel like I'm living in this dream where I keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep doing the next thing with no idea what I'm doing or where I should end up. I feel utterly lost with no way to know how to get back to anything familiar... I feel like I'm in a dark woods and I keep moving forward but nothing draws recognition... I'm all alone and it's unclear where I am and I don't know where I should be going all I know is I cannot be stagnant so I move in any direction hoping for a sign or signal that I'm doing the right thing I'm making the right move, but there are no hints here. Sometimes I wake up in a panic at night like I don't know how to live every day like this. When does it become safe and familiar? When do I know if what I am doing is making any difference? I know I have no choice but to survive here and I don't doubt that I will be fine but my question is... when do I get my life back? I feel so out of it. I have no idea what I'm doing and it scares the hell out of me. I am frantically trying to hold on to anything stable right now but there is nothing stable to grasp on to. I'm in a free fall, an endless maze, life's dark abyss of woods where I can't find my way where I'm not even sure if there is a way... what the hell is going on. I'm tired of this emotional roller-coaster. I need so stability, some routine, some constants.... ugh. I'm so scared and so tired of being strong. so tired of enduring. so tired of second-guessing myself. so tired of insecurity. I just want to know what I want and how to get it. I think that what I really want is a god cry. I need to bawl like a child just to prove to myself that I do still feel. I'm so used to becoming numb to feelings due to all the disappointments and let-downs of late that I'm not so sure my emotions haven't become altogether comfortably numb. am I alive? or am I just breathing because it's the next thing to do? I'm constantly bracing myself for the worste outcome, and most of the time it was a necessary preparation. blast... it would be nice for something really wonderful to come into my life without a struggle or a battle or a fight and just be an easy relief... I'm still holding out for that... the hope of this is all i have left of motivation to hope at all. I make no bloody sense. It would be so cool to be british:) ok that's all

There’s that edge again… I walk three steps to the ledge
Grandma says pull your pants up dear grandpa says that’s not the way it’s done
Mom says honey don’t smoke and get rid of that vodka bottle in your room
Daddy says smoke swear and experiment whatever makes you happy
Even as I stare into the abyss of my conundrum their standards overwhelm me
When you strip away the clothes when you shave off the hair…
Then will I be on the same level as those who seem to love life
Then will I have smiley pictures too with a fellow inebriate under one arm
And a fifth of Beam in the other hand? Can I only be a shell… can I live
Hidden under these clothes. Masked behind the …. Fuck…This is exhausting
There’s that edge again…

So pretty much I think I've found the coolest people at NYU and I feel so damn lucky for that. I've been waiting 19 years to find friends that actually get me. Ones that make me feel relaxed and completely happy with being myself. I always thought I was just undeserving of such companions but apparently it was just fate forcing me to be patient... I fuckin hate that. But I'm proud to feel as though we've established a comfortable trio. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.
I actually ate lunch with people today. I saw Noah in the dining hall and sat with him and his friend Julia. She was super cool. She's a show junkie and I gave her my number in hopes that we could take in some shows together... always a good time. But we sat and talked for a good hour or so and it was really nice. Most times people are always rushing off to things but I love it when we can just slow down and have conversations. What's the rush anyway? As if it's immoral to spend more then 15 minutes just chatting. I guess time is too precious to invest in social intercourse. haha that sounds dirty.
And I'm going home for Thanks-G. I'm looking forward to hugging my parents and my sisters... I need a little affection... but the more people that find out that I'll be home, the more stress I feel. I can't handle having to cram so many visits where I'll be answering the same questions over and over into a three day span. oh well, such is life.
The truth is, I still am relationshipless. Sometimes I'm not bothered by it at all and i feel very proud of myself at these moments. But then it creeps up on me like this disease looming over my essence and it takes me over full force and I get pissed that I can't manage to attract anyone. I haven't had one person hit on me yet, guy or girl, and it makes me question myself. Am I unnatractive? Do I repel people in the romantic sense? What is it about me that is so unappealing?? I just wish someone would tell me already so's I can understand why this is so damn difficult. oops... it crept up on me again just now. fuck
There's callbacks tomorrow for a sketch comedy group that I really would love to be a part of. The chances of me actually getting in are slim to none due to the fact that: 1) they only have 2 spots to fill and B) they don't need any girls... we'll see I suppose
here it looms again... so I wonder, I have this annoying characteristic where I pine for things... I can never just be interested or think someone's attractive. When I fall it's hard and fast and lately the feelings have not been returned so what am I left with? a few intense days of constantly thinking of that one person... wondering if I'll see them... wondering why it won't work... wondering what kind of a person they want... wondering if they ever think about me. the worste part is the last one. I think about these people so often and then realize... they don't think about you. Unless you run into them, you're not a thought in their head. How sad. How unfair. I feel unnecessary. dammit, I'm done with that
I wish I had a hobby or talent that I was just stellar at. I want to be amazing at something. To have a niche if you will. Like drawing. I feel as though sketching random things I see and using the perspective I see these things in would be so theraputic... alas I suck at drawing. oh well
I hope Julia calls me... she was cool, and her boy scouts shirt pretty much made me jealous; most of my instincts tell me she won't call.
fuck